Government Urges Return to Stone Age

The White House and U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) are urging Americans to return to the stone age for their own safety.

"After discovering that 'thermal expansion' of steel from a low-temperature fire led to the collapse of World Trade Center building 7," said NIST spokesperson Noh Wei, "we started realizing that other metal objects might also be at risk".

So NIST scientists tested other metallic objects using state-of-the-art computer models. The models predicted that every oven and barbeque in the country could disintegrate at any time, leading to a progressive collapse of entire houses.

"We also determined that car engines, airplane engines, and boat engines could all suddenly fail due to thermal expansion," said Wei. "Indeed, we soon realized that almost all industrial processes could lead to catastrophic failure, other than, perhaps, those used in freezers."

White House spokesman Phil Johnson agreed, saying

"Once you understand this principle of thermal expansion, you start to realize that even household showerheads and faucets are dangerous. The hot water flowing through them could wreak havoc. The President is committed to leading the way back to a safer time, and a return to proven, traditional materials - which may not be flashy like metal - but remain rock-solid even when warm."

A Fact Sheet from NIST provides recommendations and safety guidelines based on the new thermal expansion discoveries:

Is Metal Safe?

While it was previously assumed that metal was safe, scientists have now discovered that steel and other metals can suddenly fail due to exposure to heat. NIST urges everyone to stop using metal, and to reassess possible replacements with stone materials.

Sunlight

Sunlight can warm up metal. Therefore, no metal should be used where any sun exposure is possible.

If people choose to continue using metal, we urge them to live underground, to protect against the dangers of sunlight.